When I was a teenager, I was what most people considered to be a “good girl”. Sure, I skipped class on a regular basis, talked back to teachers, and occasionally lied to my parents. But who doesn’t, right? I didn’t take drugs, drink underage, or sneak around at night. I got good grades at school. And I didn’t commit crimes.
While many things have changed over the last twenty years, I’m still not a criminal.
So I wasn’t at all worried when I discovered I’d received an email from the FBI.
And not just some random person at the FBI, either. A couple of days ago I got a letter from one Mark F. Giuliano. According to the signature on his email, he’s the Special Agent in Charge of the FBI’s Atlanta Division. But I know better than to believe everything I read on the interwebs, so I did a quick google search to double-check.
(Yes, I do see the irony in using the internet to check the validity of something I saw on the internet. And my response to that is here.)
According to a National Press Release from the FBI on October 3rd this year, Mr Giuliano was, indeed, named as the Special Agent in Charge of Atlanta Division. So this letter is clearly legitimate. Sure, it came from an IP address located in Japan, but that was clearly just the FBI being secretive and tricky…. Right?
Without further ado, here is the letter I received. (I hope posting it here isn’t illegal. Please contact me if there’s any problems, Special Agent!)
From the office of Agent Mark F. GiulianoSpecial Agent in Charge of the FBI’s Atlanta DivisionFederal Bureau of InvestigationIntelligence field unit2635 Century Parkway N.E,Suite 400 Atlanta, GA 30345 USAUrgent Attention:I am Special Agent Mark F. Giuliano from the Federal Bureau of Investigation (Atlanta Division) Intelligence Unit. We have just intercepted and confiscated two (2) trunk boxes at Hartsfield Jackson Atlanta international airport, and are on the verge of moving it to our bureau head quarters.We have scanned the said boxes, and have found it to contain a total sum of USD$4.5M and also backup document which bears your name as the receiver of the money contained in the boxes. Investigations carried out on the diplomat who accompanied the boxes into the United States has it that he was to deliver this fund to your residence as your contract/inheritance payment which was due you from the office of finance Minster of the federal government of Nigeria.We cross-checked all legal documentation in the boxes, and were about to release the consignment to the diplomat, when we found out that the boxes is lacking one very important documentation which as a result, the boxes have been confiscated until the required document is provided.According to section 229 subsections 31 of the 1991 constitution on release of unclaimed consignment payment, your consignment lacks funds ownership certificate and for that reason you must contact me for direction on how to procure this certificate, so that your consignment can be legally cleared and okay for delivery to you.You are required to contact this bureau within 72 hours or we would take it that you do not want your consignment, and would move it to the treasury Also, you must not contact any other bank for any payment, because your payment is here in care of our storage vault team and will be released to you once you follow my directivesYou have been warned.Yours in service,Mark F. GiulianoSpecial Agent in Charge of the FBI’s Atlanta Division
Although I’m very pleased to get this letter, and to discover that all the emailing I did a few weeks back with that Nigerian Prince has paid off, I’m a little concerned. In fact, I’m more than a little concerned. I’m fairly sure that diplomat was trying to steal the funds that rightly belong to me and the Prince. What other possible reason would he have to fly into Atlanta, when my arrangements called for the funds to be brought to me in AUSTRALIA.
I’ve written back to Mr Guiliano, of course, asking that he immediately arrest the diplomat and send the money back to Nigeria so it can be forwarded to me with a more reputable ambassador of the Prince. Hopefully I’ll receive notification from him soon that my arrangement is back on track.
But in all seriousness, I’m impressed that the Special Agent in Charge of the FBI’s Atlanta Division would have taken the time out of his busy schedule to contact me about this, and that he didn’t simply keep that $4.5 million for himself. Gods bless the FBI.
Have you ever had a letter from Mark F. Guiliano? How about other FBI agents?