How to Talk Like a Toddler

Little Brother at breakfast

After a whole year of mischief, mayhem and almost driving his mother crazy, Little Brother had his second birthday yesterday. My littlest boy is now two. Regardless of the alluring alliteration, I don’t think his twos will be any more terrible than his ones or threes. Nevertheless, it is a new age, a new day, and a new adventure for us all.

So this is the perfect time to share with you an excerpt from a book I’m working on, titled “How to ______ Like a Toddler”.* I hope you enjoy it.

How to Talk Like a Toddler

Learning to talk like a toddler can be more difficult than you may think. Not only do toddlers fail to use pronouns and conjunctions, they also abuse the basic rules of grammar, ones that we have long since internalised and adhere to without question or forethought. Like using both nouns and verbs in the same sentence. Or using sentences at all.

But never fear!

After hundreds of hours of dangerous research, we here at the TMI Institute have put together a handy list of the most common toddler phrases so you can get started. Once you’ve mastered these ones, don’t be afraid to experiment with new phrases. Just remember the basic toddler commandments:

  1. Make it loud.
  2. Make it messy.
  3. Make it NOW.

Talking like an adult:                               Talking like a toddler:
Good morning. How is everyone?                        Hello!
I have something I’d like to show you.               Mummy!
Can you look over here, please?                           Mummy!
This is important.                                                        Mummy!
I’d like something to eat.                                          Mummy!
I’m feeling a little thirsty.                                         Mummy!
Is anyone there?                                                          Mummy?
Please hand me that item.                                        Mummy.
No, not that one, the other item.                          Mum-my!
No, the item behind me.                                           Mummy!!
Please look at me.                                                       Mummy?
Please look at me right now.                                   Mummy!
Can I have that?                                                            Mummy?
Please come here.                                                        Mummy.
Please come here now.                                              Mummy.
Please come here right now!                                   Mummy!!
Why are you looking at me like that?                 Mummy?
I’m too cute for you to be mad at me.                 I love you.

Now that you have some simple phrases to start you off, let’s put it all together into a toddler “conversation” and see how it sounds.

“Hello. Mummy. Mummy? Mummy? Mummy. Mummy? Mummy? Mummy! Mummy! Mummy!! Mummy! Mummy. Mummy? Mummy. Mum-my! Mummy. Mummy. Mummy? Mummy!! Mummy? I love you.”

Now you’re getting it!

Keep practicing, and you’ll be talking like a toddler in no time!

Have you got any other tips for talking like a toddler?

* This is not a real book. In case you were wondering.

** Unless you want to give me a five figure advance to write it. Then I’m all over it. (Hit me up via the contact page.)


Filed under Life With Kids

2 responses to “How to Talk Like a Toddler

  1. Oh my god, Jo! This is so funny! So true too, they know just when to pull the I love you card.

  2. This is hilarious! Please write the book 😀

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