Tag Archives: insanity

You Have to Be Brave to Get Married

Have I mentioned before that 5-year-old Big Brother is a big thinker? He’ll hear something or see something and think on it for days or weeks before talking to us about it. Lately, he’s had questions about piercings, tattoos and growing up.

“Does it hurt to get your ear pierced?” he asked. After a brief explanation of the level of pain involved, he thought for a few minutes and then said, “I don’t think I’ll get my ears pierced. Except maybe when I’m a grown up.”

I’m pretty happy with that.

“Why doesn’t a tattoo wash off?” he asked. So we told him about tattoos and needles, and my husband explained how it felt to get his done. A few days later, Big Brother asked me, “Do you give the doctor a picture of whatever you want?” After a bit of elaborations (Oh! You’re talking about tattoos!), I explained that, even though doctors are the ones who give you vaccinations, you see a tattoo artist for a tattoo. After a bit more conversation on the subject, Big Brother said thoughtfully, “Did you know vampires aren’t real anymore because they died before the dinosaurs came?”

That was my first clue the conversation was over.“When will I know the name of the person I’m going to marry?” he asked the other day.

He sounded serious so I stopped folding the washing and sat down with him. “Well,” I said. “One day when you’re grown up, you’ll meet someone and get to know them. Every time you think about them, you’ll feel a special kind of love in your heart. And that’s how you’ll know they’re the person you want to marry.”

He thought about that. “When will I be a Daddy?” he asked.

“When you have a baby,” I answered. I waited to see if he wanted me to elaborate further, but that answer seemed to satisfy him. (I make it a point not to over-complicate things. It’s very easy to answer the question I think he was asking rather than the question he was actually asking.)

He was quiet for a couple of minutes, his fingers fiddling with the toy he’d forgotten he was holding while his mind whirred. Eventually he asked, “What if I feel them in my heart but I’m too afraid to get married?”

I smiled. “Well, sometimes that happens. Getting married is a very big deal.”

He sighed and gave me a knowing look. “You have to be brave to get married.”

True that, boyo.

 

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Kids and Kitchens

Have you ever wondered what Little Brother gets up to while Big Brother is asking me life and death questions, making up fairy tales , and driving me crazy? Well, I stumbled across Little Brother a couple of days ago after he’d just unpacked half the kitchen cupboards on to the floor.

This is what happened next.

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Did You Know…

Did you know that ‘Did you know’ is currently Big Brother’s favourite phrase? Did you know that he can carry on entire conversations where every sentence begins with ‘Did you know’? Did you know that every time I hear the phrase ‘Did you know’ it makes my insides quiver and my muscles clench?

Did you know that after dropping my husband off at work the other day, I had a twenty minute conversation with Big Brother that went something like this:

“Did you know lots of people have dogs as pets?”

“Mmm.”

“Did you know that dogs like lots of different things to eat?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Did you know dogs can live anywhere where there are trees?”

“I suppose so.”

“Did you know that dogs can’t live in the Wild West?”

“Why not?”

“Did you know that cactuses are a type of tree?”

“Ummm….”

“Did you know that some cowboys are zombies?”

“Really?”

“Did you know zombies come from China?”

“Why China?”

“Did you know that some zombies are good guys and some zombies are bad guys?”

“Mmmm…”

“Did you know skeletons are alive even when they don’t have any skin on them?”

“Mmmm…”

“Did you know that when I lived with my four uncles in Dinosaur Land, we had to fight zombies and skeletons but my four uncles got killed and then a T. Rex came and ate the zombies and skeletons and then my four uncles were okay?”

“Really?”

“Did you know  the Tyrannosaurus Rex is the meanest dinosaur?”

“Mmmm…”

“Did you know some dinosaurs have feathers?”

“You’re right, they do.”

“Did you know you buy pets at a pet shop?”

“Yes.”

“Did you know some birds can be pets?”

Did you know, I was incredibly grateful to get home.

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My Son is a Monty Python Sketch

“Alright, Big Brother. While Little Brother’s having a nap, I’m going to go have a shower.”

“Okay.”

“You stay out here and do your colouring in.”

“Okay. I’ll just come in if I need to go to the toilet.”

“Sure. Do you need to go to the toilet?”

“No.”

“Okay. Then you stay here, and just come in if you need to go to the toilet.”

“Or if Little Brother starts crying.”

“Okay.”

“Or if I want to show you my colouring.”

“No. Please don’t come in if you want to show me your colouring. I’ll be back soon. You just stay here and do your colouring, and only come in if you need to go to the toilet, or if you’re hurt, or if Little Brother is crying. Okay?”

“Okay. Or if I want to check on you.”

“No. Don’t come in and check on me.”

“Oh. Why not?”

“Because… Look, I’m just going to have a shower. You stay here. Don’t come in unless you need me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I’m going now.”

“Where are you going?”

“With you.”

“Wha- Why??”

“Because I love you.”

“… But… You… We…” Sigh. “I love you, too. But I’m going to have a shower.”

“Yes.”

“So, you stay here and do your colouring.”

“Oh. Okay. But what happens if Little Brother wakes up and he starts crying because he wants to know where you are?”

Pause. Deep breaths.

“Look, I won’t be long. If Little Brother is crying, come and tell me.”

“Or if I need you.”

“Yes. If you need me. But not if you just want to ask me something, and not if you just want to show me something, and not if you just want to check on me, and not if you want to say you love me, and not if you remember a joke you want to tell me. Okay?”

“Okay. I’ll just come in if I need to go to the toilet or if I’m thirsty.”

More deep breaths.

Are you thirsty?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

Pause.

“Are you going in the shower now?”

—-

I have this conversation more often than I really care to admit. Does it sound familiar to anyone else?

How about now?

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Filed under Life With Kids, The Inner Geek

The Three Little Pigs and the Big, Bad Dinosaur

A couple of days ago, I asked 4-year-old Big Brother to do me a favour and entertain 10-month-old Baby for a few minutes. “How?” he asked. “I don’t know,” I said, desperate to escape to the bathroom. “Tell him a story.”

Two minutes later, I returned to find him telling the story of the Three Little Pigs.

“Shhh,” he whispered when I walked in. “I’m making up my own words. My story has a dinosaur.”

This is that story.

Three Little Pigs and the Big, Bad Dinosaur

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. When they left home, they built houses. The first pig built his house out of straw. The second pig built his house out of sticks. And the third pig built his house out of bricks.

The houses were all next to each other, because they were best friends. Then they built fences with sticks all around their houses.

One day, a dinosaur came. The dinosaur was a sharp-tooth dinosaur. He went to the first little pig’s house and said, “Little pig, little pig, let me in! And if you don’t, I’ll blow your house down by huffing and puffing!”

“Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!”

So the dinosaur huffed and puffed and blew the house down. And the little pig ran to his friend’s house, that was made of sticks.

Then they found out the dinosaur was allergic and started sneezing when he smelled flowers. So they built a garden around the stick house, and it was a trap for the dinosaur.

Soon, the dinosaur came to the second house. “Little pig, little pig, let me in! And if you don’t let me in, I’ll blow your house down and I’ll huff and puff!”

And the two little pigs said, “Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!”

Then the dinosaur started to blow, but then he started sneezing. He was allergic to the flowers that were a trap. But it didn’t work. All his sneezing blew down the stick house, and the two little pigs had to run to the house made of bricks. They went there because their brother was their best friend.

The pigs used lots of rope and made a big trap for the dinosaur.

Soon, the dinosaur came. But he got caught in the trap, and the rope tied around him. So he started running away. And then the pigs went running after him and chasing the dinosaur.

Suddenly, the dinosaur remembered his sharp teeth. He bit through the rope, and then he turned around and started chasing the three little pigs!

The pigs ran as fast as they could back to the brick house, closed the door and locked it. Then the dinosaur said, “Let me in or I’ll blow down your house by huffing and puffing!”

But the pigs didn’t say anything, because they were laughing. The brick house was too strong and the dinosaur couldn’t blow it down.

So the dinosaur used his sharp teeth to bite the house. But it didn’t work!

Then the dinosaur had sore teeth. So he had to go to a dentist.

The dentist said, “You really hurt your teeth. You’re not allowed to bite houses or try to eat little pigs anymore. Otherwise you’ll have to stay here for a hundred years so your teeth can heal.”

But the dinosaur said, “I’m going to go and eat those three little pigs! Ha ha ha ha ha!”

So the dentist locked him in the room. And then the dinosaur realised he was on a plate, but he was too slow to escape. So the dentists all ate him for dinner.

And the three little pigs lived happily ever after.

The end.

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Filed under Flash Fiction, Life With Kids

The Problem with eBooks

The industry’s changing, that’s what they all say.
People don’t want to read paper all day.
They want to read Nooks and Kindles and phones
They want to read eBooks when they’re not at home.

“You can take your whole library to here and to there!”
“You can buy a new book without leaving your chair!
“You’ll never again be with nothing to read!”
(Unless you read books with astonishing speed.)

The hype is all good and the net is a-buzzing,
The lines between “indy” and “trad” are a-fuzzing,
It’s got to be good news for authors, they say,
There’s so many ways to be published today.

But a book is a book is a book is a book,
On paper or Kindle or iPad or Nook,
The story’s the same, however you read it.
(And if there’s a sequel, you’re still gonna need it.)

But back to the topic at hand for today,
eBooks are clearly not going away.
But the problem with eBooks is easy to see:
An eReader doesn’t just grow on a tree.

You actually have to go buy one, they say,
If you want to read eBooks when you are away.
I don’t have a Reader or laptop that works
My phone is not smart (but it’s got other perks).

My desktop is piled up with eBooks galore,
But I’ll never read them, it’s too much of a chore,
To sit at my desk and read into the night
When I’d rather be reading in bed with a light.

I promised I’d tell you the problems I see
With eBooks and iPads and technology
The answer is clear and I’m sure you’ll agree:
As it turns out, the problem with eBooks is me.

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Filed under Opinion, Random Stuff, Reading